I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
How did we not see this back then?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.