People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!