*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.