He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
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When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?