was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Oh, I bet you would be
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
😬
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.