That time Alicia messaged me
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Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off