Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this