“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.