Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again