PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I can also cook 😂
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what