I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!