I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
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We like the way Dwight thinks
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
excuse me
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.