my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”