Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
lol
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
They must have gotten it to go.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.