The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant