Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?