How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
japanese corn
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
The fall of Netflix