Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
just left a huge legacy in there
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
@funTweeters
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.