Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
my one true gender
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools