Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.