Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
The first one, obviously
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.