ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Am I having a stroke?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?