Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My flabber has been gasted.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”