(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*