I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”