Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.