The 6 types of sex
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.