My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it