Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Don’t touch that.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.