Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing