Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Finally!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
A choir of Spring onions
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
anyone else like Italian cereal