I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Okay me first
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner