Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Very good! 👍😂
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I am never leaving this website
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.