That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
That lamp looks PISSED.
me logging onto twitter
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.