This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.