What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.