Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You Might Also Like
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)