Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.