if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.