Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My background check bounced.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time