[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.