A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Good advice.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
watergate? u mean a dam??
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.