[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time