My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.