therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.