If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
You Might Also Like
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
the council will decide your fate
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Help Wanted