mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
beware of dog
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
ACED my prostate exam!
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too