Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings