I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
and this one
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”