Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’d rather fork than spoon.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/